Changes

"You are open to the most change when you are at your lowest"

I can't remember where I read or heard that saying but it is one that I feel is most adequate to describe where I am currently at. It has been a strange couple of weeks that have brought up alot of things that I thought I had moved on from. Yet when recently confronted with them, I realized that I had failed to do this.

Looking back, my life can be seen as full of nothing but failure. Continuously unable to move on from particular incidences in my past, unable to stop being self-destructive, in the right place at the wrong time. I couldn't help my friends or my family when they needed me most. Compared to my peers my successes are for only small and insignificant things.

Frequently I would imagine my life as a story and at some point there will be an ending plot twist where I would be able to progress from all of my issues. A story is only as good as its' ending. Yet the struggles of the main character are also an important part of the story too. I have lived my life believing that my shortcomings and my past experiences would hone me. That my previous struggles would prepare me for my future so that when the time came I would be ready to overcome anything and that this would negate all of my previous failures. Or that was how it was supposed to go. I thought I would be ready to do this but in the end when I was tested, I failed that too. How sad, what a pitiful and worthless story it is turning out to be.

Yet when I remove my overly pessimistic view of things, I think that the story isn't so bad. Despite having experienced some aweful experiences. I see that my determination to not give up and keep going no matter how tough things get is kind of cool. Even though I didn't always realize it at the time, I made good friends wherever I went. I was able to make connections and bond with people. However I always thought that facing problems by myself and not relying on others was something that would make me a stronger person. And by being stronger I would be able to help them in a way that I wanted that support. But if I continue in such way, I have recently seen what I will turn into.

I now realize this, just sitting around and trying to deal with things by yourself will only cause more self inflicted pain and destruction. It doesn't help yourself or your friends. In order to create a new path I have to work hard and recognize when I need help. In doing this, then I will be able to overcome anything. I feel that is what a friend told me years ago. A friend who has experienced difficulties but didn't deal with things alone. But I ignored them, I was stubborn and immature, I didn't believe that it would work or have the confidence to trust other people. Even though we are now in different places in our lives, I realize that this is what they were trying to tell me. To respect your own existence so that others will be able to respect yours too. My own successes may be small but the journey and experience I had of getting to that success, what that success means to me is what is important, not comparing it against other peoples success.

If only it didn't require for something so utterly embarrassing and shameful to occur for me to acknowledge this, yet if it didn't happen I wouldn't have realized the need for change and continued that downward spiral of pain, sadness and loneliness.

Realizing and making the biggest personal changes really does only seem to happen when you are at your lowest. I never stopped believing in my friends. I believe in myself, I believe in the person I can become, I won't give up!